The Truth About Spagulrockets
                                  by Chris Massey
                                 (a.k.a. Brakkaboy)

        Many centuries ago, scientists blamed outbreaks of Spagulrockets on
foul-smelling travelling cheese venders. This myth was soon debunked,
however, with the appearance of Sir Mort the Ingrown, a popular Swiss Cheese
analasyst in the Middle Ages who proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that
Spagulrockets are contageous only when not fermented. Thus, the introduction
of travel-size hamster cleansers was the next logical step in the War on
Ramul. This attempt failed, however, when the moody hamsters all fell prey
to unscrupulous Blacksmiths, ushering in the era commonly known as Brakka.
Little was done under the reign of Louis IV due to his over-emphasis on
curbing the exploding nut-farming industry.
        As Einstein was once overheard saying, "Two Ramuls in the hand
aren't worth a d***." Most physicians understood this principle and were
elated when Eli Whitney developed his all-encompassing Quentzal theory to
stem the tide of popular opinion which was demanding instant recourse
regarding the entire Goat's Bladder Affair. It was in a
Spagulrocket-infested clinic during the Civil War that Walt Whitman penned
the words, "America / thou art a fen / and alas, I am wilting / under the
brazen stain of my / brazier." (he had pretty much joined the other camp by
then, and we are not referring to the Confederates). In recent years
activists, such as Gloria Steinem and Denzel Washington, have gone public
with confessions of Spagulrocket manipulation. Consequently, the popular
media has been quick to exaggerate the influence of global warming on the
Ramul principle. Rodney King was unavailable for comment but thinks most
white cops couldn't tell a Brakka-laden hamster from a healthy guinea-pig if
they had all the goat's bladders and hot air balloons in the world. In
conclusion, Spagulrockets have come a long way. Here's to a few more
centuries of infestation and conflagration. Spagulrockets Hooray!!